DENNIS SCHWARTZ 
IS THERE ANY GOOD 
IN SAYING 
EVERYTHING ABOUT A MOVIE?

 
VAMPIRES SUCK (directors/writers: Jason Friedberg/Aaron Seltzer; cinematographer: Shawn Maurer; editor:  Peck Prior; music: Christopher Lennertz; cast: Matt Lanter (Edward Sullen), Jenn Proske (Becca Crane), Chris Riggi (Jacob White), Diedrich Bader (Frank Crane), Ken Jeong (Daro), Kelsey Ford (Iris), Anneliese Van Der Pol (Jennifer), Arielle Kebbel (Rachel); Runtime: 80; MPAA Rating: PG-13; producers: Peter Safran/Jason Friedberg/Aaron Seltzer; 20th Century Fox; 2010)

 
"An insult to other bad vampire movies, which is saying a mouthful."

Reviewed by Dennis Schwartz

An insult to other bad vampire movies, which is saying a mouthful. It's written and directed by hacks Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer ("Date Movie"/"Epic Movie"/"Meet the Spartans"), the reviled duo do nothing to disprove their bad reputation as filmmakers with this boring dud. It follows the plot line of the opening two episodes of the Twilight series, to spoof them in a witless, unoriginal and moronic way with a cast of unknowns. Expect plenty of lowlife gags, awkward pratfalls, flatulence and genitalia jokes, and lame comments on damaged goods celebrities like Tiger Woods.

The parody is set in the fictional vampire and  werewolf infested town of Sporks, Wash., where newcomer Becca Crane (Jenn Proske) muses over two desirable fellows--the pale vampire Robert Pattinson (Matt Lanter) and the lovesick werewolf Jacob White (Chris Riggi-- as she stammers and is writhing with tics playing her one-note sullen character in the same way Kristen Stewart played this same character. That effort alone saves the insufferable film from completing sucking, which might not be saying much but it does say something positive about such a pile of rubbish.

REVIEWED ON 1/31/2013       GRADE: C-

Dennis Schwartz: "Ozus' World Movie Reviews"

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