DENNIS SCHWARTZ 
IS THERE ANY GOOD 
IN SAYING 
EVERYTHING ABOUT A MOVIE?

 
GRAVEYARD, THE (director: Michael Feifer; screenwriter: Michael Hurst; cinematographer: Hank Baumert Jr.; editor: Christopher Roth ; cast: Lindsay Ballew (Michelle), Patrick Scott Lewis (Bobby), Markus Potter (Peter Bishop/Adam), Erin Lokitz (Sarah), Sam Bologna (Sheriff), Trish Coren (Allie), Eva Derrek (Veronica), Leif Lillehaugen (Jack), Chris Stewart (Charlie), Natalie Denise Sperl (Zoe), Mark Salling (Eric); Runtime: 83; MPAA Rating: R; producer: Michael Feifer; Lions Gate Films Home Entertainment; 2006)

 
"One of the most idiotic, inept and worthless films ever made."

Reviewed by Dennis Schwartz

One of the most idiotic, inept and worthless films ever made. The Son of Sam might even find this humorless film too dry and illogical for his taste. A dead person could have handed in a better script than the one conceived by Michael Hurst and have done a better job directing it than did Michael Feifer. The best an actor can hope for is to get your throat slit early on so maybe no one will remember you were in the film. To follow this needlessly complex and muddled story one should probably be on speed, in the middle of an out of body experience or on a roller coaster. It's one of those really bad films that can make your typical commercial slasher film look like art in comparison. It's no Halloween or Friday The 13th, that's for sure. It follows the "dumb teenagers" formula of having the teens being picked off one-by-one to pay for their past sins.

The plot has a group of wormy teen friends playing a prank on one of their mates, Eric, when playing hide and seek in a cemetery. Things get out of hand and Eric is accidentally killed. Bobby takes the blame and serves a five year prison term for manslaughter. When released on parole, Bobby joins the same group at the site of the deserted Camp Placid Pines to pay tribute to their deceased friend and bring closure to their friend's death by having a healing session at the same Placid Pines cemetery. But the unsympathetic meatball teens soon discover there's a masked killer slashing away at them one-by-one and they can't guess who it is until only two of those suckers are left standing.

There's not much else to tune into, except taking in the poorly executed gore, that nude shower scene with the hot Veronica (the film's highlight moment!), watching out for lesbians suddenly popping out from the dark woods and a lot of talk about clichés for a movie that is one big derivative cliché of every bad slasher flick from the 1980s.

REVIEWED ON 3/22/2007        GRADE: D

Dennis Schwartz: "Ozus' World Movie Reviews"

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