Untrustworthy man from Internet

Is it worth staying together?

Abusive Woman

Lonely at 52

Married, but dating younger woman

Dating with almost no money

Potential Relationship with Seriously ill Man

Possible Obsessive Behavior?

Do all women want men with money?

I love her, but I'm not "in love" with her!

Subject: Untrustworthy Man from Internet
Question - From Judy H.

I am a 44 year old divorced lady. I recently met a man who is younger and we were supposedly working on a relationship when he up and goes out of state to see about his sister who was suppose to have been involved in a car accident and was in the hospital. I am concerned cause i havent heard  from him in almost a week and let me know if he arrived safely or how his sister is or what. I dont know if he is trustworthy or honest or what. Am I nuts to think like this or is he up to no good and not wanting a relationship but dont want to tell me?

1st Answer - Dear Judy,
I would like to know a few things before I give a more complete answer. Exactly how long have you known this man, how often were you seeing him, did you become physically intimate with him, and what had he volunteered on his own about what this relationship meant to him (as opposed to something you might have encouraged him to say to you)?

Right now, the ball is in his court, and you have no control over that, but you have a little time to do some thinking about what you will say and do when and if you hear from him again. Please give me the answers to these questions, I'll give you a more complete answer. Thanks!

Susan P.

Judy's response: Susan,
Yes, I do realize the ball is in his court. I met this man nearly 6 weeks ago, I met him online , we clicked and he came out to missouri to meet me. And see if there was anything there for a possible relationship, he said he cared about me slept with me once, said he had a very low sex drive and we didnt sleep together any more. He was here almost 2 weeks on this time he would take my car supposedly to get cigarettes and stay gone 4 or 5 hours and when he would come in he had been drinking. this happened a couple of times ....then he told me one day when i came home from checking on my mom that he had a interview about a job and if he got it he would be moving here....well that night he was gone at 3 and didnt come in at 2;30 THE police called me and said if i could pick him up then they would not hold him and so i went to the jail and got him Then a couple a days later I had to go to springfield and he went with me and went to the mall and I picked him up some 5 hours later no prob then the following day i had to go to spfld and he wanted to go and do his laundry and he went and we were going to meet at park central sq and I havent heard from him but once saying he was hitch hiking to ohio and that his sister was in a car accident and was in the hospital..........If this is all true I feel compassionate for him and if I am being used and lied to that is another matter entirely. The puzzling thing is that he said he wanted to work on a relationship and that he  loved me and cared for me. I am puzzled to say the least.

Sue's Answer - Judy,
I'm sure you realize that this man has given you a lot of dangerous signals. You know, men love and respect women much more when women are a little hard to get, and when they set their standards high. And I don't think it's a good idea to go to bed with a man until you know him VERY well. Especially at our age! Don't sell yourself short! One of the problems with meeting on the internet is that it lets your fantasies go to work overtime, and if you're wanting a relationship a lot, you can find it easy to ignore the realities of a situation.

How much do you really know about this man? What has he told you about his job, his parents, his children, his marriage(s)? If he's going out and getting drunk regularly, he's either very unhappy about something he hasn't told you, or he's an alcoholic, or both. Not to mention the fact that it's dishonest for him to say he's just going out for cigarettes, and then stay out for many hours (using YOUR car and YOUR gas), getting drunk. Usually, when people first know each other, they're on their best behavior. If this is his best, what is his worst? ...But you already know there's a serious problem here!

This guy is a loser, and maybe a dangerous one! If he calls or comes back, I suggest you tell him you need to set the record straight, and things need to be completely honest from now on. I think you might be much luckier if you never hear from him again, though.

Please don't be so desperate to find a man! Meet people online if you want to, but be very cautious about the truthfulness of what you're told. Use your instincts (yes, I KNOW you have them! Pay attention to them). Ask for references. Yes, I mean it! Being alone is much better than being tied to an abusive or addicted man. You deserve a great relationship, and that means taking your time to be sure it is really right for you, and that the man is a good, caring person who respects you, loves you wholeheartedly, and tells you the truth.

Also, in your own city, go to a womens' center or a health center and find out if there is a support group for women in the area. Or start one yourself! I did that once, and it was wonderful! We met for 15 years. Or, you might consider going to a therapist. Again, some kind of health center or women's center might be a good place to find out about this.

 Good luck, Judy!  - Susan H. Price, M.A.

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Subject: Is it worth staying together?
 Question - from Selina R.
 

I`ve been dating this man for nearly 2 1/2 years now. I am 51, he is 53. Obviously, there are some problems, which is why I`m here. We have parted a few times, but for only a few days, then got back together. Neither of us seems to want to part, yet often times being together is very frustrating and disappointing to me. He would like to always be friends if we part, I don`t think I can do that. I need a clean and complete break. He has tried to back our relationship up to friendship, with sleep overs and sex a few times, but I`ve told him that just won`t work for me.

I wrote him a letter at the beginning of April, suggesting that we give our relationship 3 months, and then re-assess whether it is going anywhere, or whether to part ways permanently. That time has approached, and I feel I must adhere to the deadline. Yesterday I mentioned that it was time to do our reassessment, and after some conversation that the problems all still existed, I suggested we take some time and space to think. He plans to call me on Friday.

We do not live together, but stay over most weekends. We are generally together most of the weekend, and 1-2 nights during the week. We actually were together nearly every night the first year, then decided to taper down to get some of our personal stuff done He has gone through a lot of turmoil in the past two years. When I met him he had just closed his own company of 8 years and filed bankruptcy, and was unemployed. He was accustomed to making excellent money, but for the past two years has had to settle for far less than adequate for him. Just about two months ago he started an  excellent and powerful position, with a great salary. He always thought that if he could get his life together, financially, get divorced, things would be better for us. It`s  been nearly two months, and I see no difference. I don`t know if I should wait longer, or if I`m just wasting my time. I`ve helped him and stood by him through the bad times, and have looked forward to the good ones, which have just begun. And he is now helping me, as I`ve encountered some rough seas financially. He says he would always help me, even if we split up. I have told him that I would not accept that  help if we did.

Problem #1: When we first met, he had been separated for over a year, and told me the divorce was just a formality, getting through the courts. This "formality" took until April 2000, just over two years after we started dating. Naturally, this was always a problem, but it has now been resolved, sort of. He has grown children, and I  have never met them, or shall I say, been formally introduced as being with their father. His original concern was  that they would have a problem until he had gone to  divorce court. Even though I didn`t agree, I accepted it, as they are his kids and how he handles them is his business. This issue has always been a problem between us. Now he says, the time is coming soon. They are a  very family oriented family, and get together often. His ex is always there. I`m left out of family outings, etc.

Problem #2:If this were our only problem, I might be more patient. However, there are others. When we began dating, naturally everything was wonderful, and we were both infatuated. Sex was terrific, in spite of erection problems. Eventually that tapered down, and now he has no desire to have sex. We  have not done that since late January. We`ve talked about it, and he is concerned because he has no desire for sex. This can`t be normal for a 53 year old male.

Problem #3: Early in our relationship, he told me that he wouldn`t use those words, I love you, in the heat of passion or to get anything. He would only use them when he knew he really meant them. I respected that. However, here two and a half years later, I have not yet heard them. We`ve talked about it, and he says he`s just not sure. He`s not even really sure what love is. He has also always had this idea, which is very irritating to me, that once people get involved and use those words, everything goes  downhill.

I`m sure you wonder why I`m even asking, why I`m not walking or running the other way. Well there is a lot of good to him and us. We are absolutely fantastic companions and best friends. We have a great social life together, and  lots of friends. He has a very big heart, and is kind, has a sense of humor, and is physically attractive.

What I don`t have is love, sex, commitment, and inclusion in his life. I don`t know if I love him or not. I believe I`ve shut out thoughts of it so I would hurt less if it ended, even though I know that won`t help. So basically, after 2 1/2 years, we don`t know if we love each other, we`ve dated exclusively since near the beginning, however the word commitment scares him. He says he`s open to one day living with someone, not sure he ever wants to marry again.

He knew from day one that what I wanted was a significant, fulfilling romantic relationship. He said he did too. Now he`s not sure he can give me what I want, and not sure when he`ll be able to, and doesn`t even know why. He says he`s thought about whether it`s me, could he love someone else, he really just doesn`t know. He really doesn`t want to split, but wants to see if something will happen between us. I am very confused, and hope you can help. Thank you.

Sue's Answer - Dear Selina,
If the word "commitment" scares him, that's a good part of your answer right there. However, I understand that you've spent 2 1/2 years trying to make this relationship work, so it's very hard for you to walk away fromit at this point.

Personally, I don't think it's all bad to remain friends with a former lover or husband. That shows him (them) that you have some personal strength, and that the loss of a love is not going to destroy you. Men often feel afraid of women they think are too dependent on them, even if they care for them. And it's good for you, too, to practice handling uncomfortable situations. That's the best way to develop skill in these areas, I think.

This guy has given you lots of clues that he's not really committed to you: not introducing you to his family, not saying he loves you, lack of interest or effort around sex, and his idea that once people say they're in love, everything goes downhill.

If you do decide to stop the romance (which is what I would advise), then you must really stop it! No occasional sleepovers allowed - because if you do allow them, he will think you don't know your own mind, and that you have no strength of character. So don't "cry wolf"!

I would suggest that you tell him you love him (if you want to), but that you deserve a better love relationship than the two of you have at the moment. And that, after thinking about it, you want to end the romance at once; however, you would be happy to be friends with him as long as he understands the rules (no sex, no romance).

Now, this may actually inspire him to get interested in sex again if you're firm about forbidding it. Men are such contradictory creatures! But you should tell him (and MEAN it) that you will only consider sex again on the condition that he tell you he loves you and that he enters in to a truly committed relationship with you. He can't have it both ways (which is what both of you have been trying for these 2 1/2 years). This will be very hard for him, and he may not come around, but it's the best way to handle things!

In the meantime, go on a diet, buy some new clothes, start some on-line dating (if you don't know good sites, just ask me), get into an exercise or walking program, and start getting on with a life that doesn't include him except as a friend. If this is too hard, limit your contact with him, but always remain friendly, and NEVER act pitiful! Look around; there are lots of lonely men out there! Yes, even at your age (I know, because I'm older than you).

Just hold firm to your resolve, and start calling the shots in this relationship. Believe me, it feels much better to have some control over your life!  Good luck, Selina! - Susan Price, M.A

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Subject: Abusive woman
Question - from Stanley O.

I am a male 44 yrs old, never married, in a relationship (i think) with a 44 yr old female, married once with one child 18.

We met in 1995. Very early on in the relationship she wanted a commitment from me which i gave her. She wanted to monopolize my time and consequently i ended friendships with people i had met.That by the way was easy to do as i was new in town and did not know anyone. She initiated sexual relations with me early in the relationship. I was unable to perform. I remember that she rolled on her back and said "i do not know if i can be in a relationship with someone i cannot have sex with..." I wanted to be in this relationship so i saw urologist after urologist, alternative therapists, counselors and etc.

If i were to initiate something she would push me away saying "i don`t want to start with you because you can`t finish..." and other comments even more biting and hurtful. I continued to try in every area i could, but she rebuffed me and keeps me at a distance.

Forgot to mention that we now share the same house, and even the same bed, but now she has moved out of the bedroom and has begun to date other people, She constantly ridicules me sexual performance, telling me she does not feel sexual towards me at all. I would still like to make this relationship work, but have resigned myself to failure. I am so afraid of approaching any woman because of the sex thing. I really feel that i have nothing to offer that a woman would want in a long term partner.

She moved out of the bedroom and has cut me out of her life. she has stopped talking to me and spending time with me. yet, today, i went with her to her mother`s house (i like her mother) and dropped her off at the gym to meet her new beau (at least that is what i have been led to believe), and she kissed me goodbye. what am i to make of all this? what can i do to spark our relationship?

i want to settle down, and i am ready. i do not know how to date, and frankly few women find me attractive or desireable. and do not tell me i am depressed, i already know it. since she has moved out of the bedroom, i have stopped working and eating. I do not have any friends or contacts in the area. i am alone. pls help. advice? thank you.  - Stanley

Answer - Dear Stanley,
From what you say, I think you already know that this is a very destructive relationship, and that the woman you are with has a great number of problems. Most people with healthy emotional lives set limits on how they will allow another person to treat them. It is not good for you or for the relationship to allow this woman to treat you as she is doing; I believe you must realize this already. I understand that you deeply want an intimate relationship with a woman, but from what you tell me about it, this is not a relationship that is likely to get any better.

The best suggestion I can give you about your present relationship is to get into couples counseling right away. That means that the two of you go to one counselor at the same time and talk about how to improve things between the two of you. Please find someone who at least has earned the designation of Licensed Mental Health Counselor or Licensed Social Worker.

There is no way to "spark" a relationship with a neurotic and destructive partner unless she is willing to make major changes in her life. If she is not willing to go to see a therapist with you, you should end the relationship right away. If there are legal issues around money, you may need to see a lawyer.

Then, aside from this, you need to work on your own self esteem. First of all, go to a doctor and find out about anti-depressants. They can work wonders for some people. Then, before you can be ready to "settle down" with someone, you need to make yourself into person who can be a good, equal partner. If there is a Codependents Anonymous group in your area, go to it! Also, try to find a mens' group to attend. Perhaps a mental health center could help to locate one for you. Everyone is a worthwhile person, including you, but you need to understand what you have to offer to a relationship, and practice your skill in interacting with others before you are ready to be a good mate.

Start to make friends, even if it is difficult at first! Join groups! 44 is not that old: you have half your life ahead of you! Now is the time to make a major change in your life's direction so that you can be proud of yourself in the future. I know that it will be hard work for you, but YOU know that it is the right thing for you to do. Try to make friends with women, and just know them that way for a while. You will not be ready for a real romance with someone else for at least a year. So, make this coming year, starting now, an adventure at discovering yourself and stretching your wings!

When you were a baby learning to walk, you fell down a lot, but you kept trying, and now, you walk easily. Making friends or learning to be in a good relationship is just like that. You have to work hard and keep trying even if you fail at first. That is the only way to get anywhere. Good luck, Stanley! - Susan Price, M.A.

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Subject: Lonely at 52.
Question - from Lisa F.

I have been married twice. My first husband died and my second husband and I divorced eleven years ago. I didn`t date for five years and the last six years of dating have been disappointing. It seems that the only thing men I meet want is sex. Sex is great, but I would like to develop a relationship first and want more out of it than friendly sex. I am running out of ways to meet nice men. I don`t like to sit alone in bars, have tried the grocery store and book store routine, but nobody talks there unless you are 25 and gorgeous. I do not attend a church. I am attractive, very intelligent, but have been disabled for 4 yrs due to arthritis and cannot work. This a a turn off for many men, when I tell them that I am on disabity. I look and act like a normal person, but cannot partake in sports and at times, tire very easily. I am not looking for a meal ticket, I do fine financially, although I do have to watch my expenditures. Family and friends fill much of my time, but I am still lonely and want to find that special someone. I enjoy cooking, reading and movies as well as good conversation. Any ideas on how I should proceed? Thanks in advance for your help.
 

Answer - Dear Lisa,

It's true that almost any man does want sex. It's also true then it's human nature to value MORE that which is hard to get! You may remember that the hero in fairy stories always has to struggle and overcome great ordeals before he wins the princess's heart (and body). You are very unlikely to find "that special someone" if you agree to sex before dating steadily at least three months.

He should also have told you he loves you and is interested in a committed relationship. I know that men put a lot of pressure on women around this issue. You need to know the value of your body and your sexuality, and stay sure of yourself and your values, while at the same time making it clear that you are a passionate woman, but you will not go to bed with just any attractive man who comes on to you, even if you like him a lot, until he is serious about the relationship. No "petting", either, please! Refuse anything more than a good night kiss until the time is REALLY right!

Now, about meeting men: if you are intelligent, and computer literate, how about trying some of the on-line dating services? That's a way to get to know someone through their personality and ideas first. I recommend Matchmaker.com and Match.com; those are the ones I have gotten the best results from. They both have a 10 day or two week free trial period. I am older than you, and can vouch for the fact that there still are many decent single men out there!

If you don't attend church because you are not religious in the traditional way, you might try the Unitarian chuch, which has more of a focus on humanitarian good works. Church IS a good way to meet people! Book clubs, social service, and volunteer groups are other ways to meet compatible men. There is nothing wrong with being on a disability, and any man who thinks so has problems of his own.

Lisa, it's worth taking the time to be selective if you want to find a mate for the rest of your life! Also, get yourself in order. If you need to lose weight, do that now. Make sure you have a flattering hairstyle, and that you dress in soft simple clothing in colors that are flattering to your complexion. As we get older, that usually means NOT brilliant colors, but rather soft, subtle colors with some texture in the fabric. Shiny fabrics are usually not that flattering to aging skin.

Another suggestion: buy a disposable flash camera (around $10), make yourself look as beautiful as possible, and have friend take a roll of pictures of you (face only is usually best). Ask the developer to put the pictures on a diskette. Then you can choose one and, if you have signed up for an on-line dating service, you can put the picture on your "profile page". Men are really drawn by good pictures. If you want more information about putting pictures on-line, write me again.

I hope these suggestions have been helpful, Lisa! Good luck! - Susan Price, M.A.

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